Properties of Love
by Blau
Summary: In which Kuhn flirts, Endrance makes his sexuality obvious, Haseo swears in excess amounts, Silabus is a total uke, and Atoli, Ovan, and Saku plot to stop a wedding. kuhnsila, hasend, yatapi oneshot


**Warnings:** This is extreme and utter crack, and not one ounce of it should be taken seriously. People will be intentionally OOC. There's a bit of naughty language in here. If that's fine with you, then keep reading. :D

The title of this story is from Jason Mraz - The Joker. Or... whoever the song was by. I just know Jason Mraz sings it.

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"Haseo..." the ever-airy voice. 

"Silabus..." the normally confident voice nervous.

And the wide red and brown eyes of Haseo and Silabus respectively as they stared at their friends.

"Will you marry me?" airy and nervous chimed at the same time.

And the wide red and brown eyes of Haseo and Silabus respectively continued to stare at their friends.

The air grew thicker as the twenty-somethings waited with bated breaths for a reply, preferably one that was something like, "I thought you'd never ask! I've loved you for so long but I kept quiet because I wasn't sure if you would love me back..! Of course I'll marry you!" and then, in a dramatic show of passion, throw his arms around the twenty-something's neck with tears in his eyes.

"Um..." Silabus said, breaking the silence. He fidgeted, a blush coloring his cheeks and making him look so adorably endearing that Kuhn wanted to steal him away right then and there and take him to his apartment, where they could get, ah... better acquainted. Yeah.

"What the hell are you two on?" Haseo asked, folding his arms over his chest as he looked at Endrance and Kuhn suspiciously, eyes narrowed.

"Nothing, Haseo!" Endrance said, voice even airier. With Haseo looking at him in such a way, Endrance could hardly hold himself back. Oh, he could only imagine how aggressive Haseo could really be when he wasn't trying to look tough..! Not that Endrance didn't love Haseo trying to be tough. He looked so cool, and yet horribly cute. "I just can't hold myself back anymore..! I want us to be official, so those blonde bimbos will back off of you and stop us from expressing our love for one another..! I know that you're shy, Haseo! But we don't need to hide anymore! They're just worthless tools, anyway!"

Somewhere else in The World, Atoli and Bo sneezed.

"Listen, Silabus," Kuhn said, sliding up next to Silabus. In an attempt to be comforting, he wrapped his arm around the younger man's shoulders. "I... we've been together for a long time-"

"But we-" Silabus began, about to comment that they have never dated before. Not that he was aware of, anyway...

"BUT I think it's time that we tied the knot. You've looked out for me so much, I think it's time I returned the favor. With you as my wife, I'll look after you forever!"

Idly, Silabus wondered if he should be offended at the fact that he'd be the wife in the relationship, before he realized that he really would be the wife in the relationship. As if he could be the husband. Not only did he look feminine, but he'd listen to Kuhn in a heartbeat. And Kuhn really would look out for Silabus. They'd be the perfect domesticated couple, moving in together in real life, with Silabus making Kuhn meals in between his classes and Kuhn being the perfect husband and...

He really couldn't be a husband. He could never be with a girl. Not with his personality and his apparent romantic dreams that involved Kuhn.

"You guys are crazy!" Haseo exclaimed, grabbing Silabus' arm and tugging him away from Kuhn. "As if we'd say yes when you guys are obviously out of your mi-"

"Yes," Silabus said, face bright red as he stared down at the ground. Shyly, he rose his eyes upwards to look at Kuhn, a small, hesitant smile lighting his face up. "I would love to marry you, Kuhn."

"Please, call me Tomo-chan. ;)" Kuhn said, moving right back to Silabus' side and pecking him on the cheek. Silabus giggled embarrassedly, covering his face with his hands. But Kuhn wouldn't let Silabus hide his face; as if something that cute could be hidden! He took Silabus' hands in his own, bumping his forehead with Silabus'. "We _are_ going to get married, after all."

"Then you can call me Yuu-chan :)" Silabus said, his smile growing.

Haseo and Endrance stood there, one's brain breaking and the other sighing happily.

"B-but... Silabus... I thought he was..." Haseo said, brow furrowed as he struggled to process what he had just seen.

"Straight?" Endrance supplied. He smiled, moving in front of Haseo and taking the Adept Rogue's hands in his, mimicking Kuhn and Silabus. "I knew he was gay as soon as I saw him. As if someone that looked like him could be straight! He looks so femme... Honestly, what straight man that plays this game as _long hair_?"

The pieces of Haseo's brain that had broken now shattered.

"Haseo, please marry me," Endrance said again, fluttering his eyelashes sexily. Because, really, everything Endrance did was sexy.

And because nothing made sense in his world anymore, Haseo stared dumbly at Endrance and said, "Yes."

So it began.

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"Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to let the old hag design the clothing for the wedding?! Like hell I'm going to dress us like-"

"Shut it, you brat!" Pi snapped, smacking Haseo in the back of the head. And as he nursed his wounds with Endrance fussing over him, blood spurted from Kuhn's nose.

"Tomo-chan?! What's wrong?! Are you okay?!" Silabus exclaimed, his small hand touching Kuhn's arm.

"You... Pi... those bottoms..." Kuhn fell silent as more blood spurted out. Silabus decided it was best not to ask.

"To answer your question, it was I who thought that it would be a good idea for Pi to design the dresses. She is very talented," Yata said, winking at Pi, who blushed and giggled.

"Oh, you" she said, a hand on her face as the other waved away Yata.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Yata said, walking over to Pi. He bowed down a little to kiss her, causing her to giggle more.

And as he stood, with Kuhn still bleeding and Silabus fussing over him, Yata and Pi now making out (he was positive that image would be forever burned onto the insides of his eyelids, and he desperately wished he could unsee it), and Endrance continuously asking him if he was okay while simultaneously trying to grope him, Haseo wondered if this was what Hell was.

He knew he was damaged goods now.

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About five minutes after Yata sent out the wedding invitations, Haseo felt a chill run down his spine. Something... something wasn't right. Something had gone horribly wrong. Something...

"HASEOOOOOOOOOO!"

Something told Haseo that he was fucked.

"Haseo! Haseo! Why didn't you tell me you were getting married?! I had no idea you were involved with Endrance!" Atoli wailed, tiny hands beating on Haseo's chest. The occupants of Mac Anu stopped to watch the "lover's quarrel", whispering loudly about how they had knew that Endrance had a thing for Haseo, but Haseo actually liked the guy back? What about Atoli, she was pretty cute, what a shame that Haseo wasn't...

"He just asked me to marry him! I was caught by surprise and said the first thing that came to mind! What the hell was I supposed to do?!" Haseo exclaimed, trying to defend himself as well as explain his actions. Both to Atoli and himself. Because, honestly, Haseo still had no idea why he said yes.

"So you don't really love him?!" Atoli asked hopefully. By now, her hands were clasped together, making her look like the innocent angel she portrayed herself to be.

"It's no-"

"Oh, Haseo! There you are!" Endrance said, fluttering over to the two. Beaming at Atoli, who could only stare in shock at the beautiful smile, Endrance whisked Haseo away without another word. It was only after the two had disappeared from sight that Atoli realized what had happened. And it was then that she knew what she had to be. Endrance was obviously forcing himself on Haseo. Haseo, he didn't want this! He wanted her..! Yeah!

Quickly, she sent out messages to two people. She had to stop this wedding!

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It was the day of the wedding, and everything was ready. Silabus had his dress and bouquet, Kuhn had his tux, the area where they were going to be married was decorated in so many flowers and other decorations that one could almost smell the flowers in the real world.

And yet, Haseo and Endrance still hadn't determined who would wear the dress.

For Haseo, it was obvious that Endrance should wear the dress. He had the longer hair and the looks for it. He would be Haseo's wife. And even if Endrance didn't agree to it, he couldn't see why they both could just look normal..! Why'd they have to wear a dress, anyway?!

For Endrance, it was obvious that Haseo would be the one to wear the dress. He was younger and had the body for it. He would be Endrance's wife. And, dammit, Endrance would get Haseo into a dress even if Endrance had to wear one too!

An idea.

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_Are all weddings like this?_ Gaspard wondered as he sat in the front row of the Hulle Granz Cathedral, Pi to his left with Matsu, Alkaid, and Antares in the pew to the right. A cat-girl sat with two boys, one dark-skinned and dark-haired, the other pale and blond, behind Gaspard's pew, while a girl that looked a lot like Atoli sat in the pew behind Alkaid's.

It wasn't the people that made the wedding weird though. No, it was just...

Seeing his best friend in The World wearing a dress, while his former guild master kept grinning in a way that made Gaspard fear for Silabus' safety, was weird enough. More than weird, actually. But...

It was Haseo and Endrance that really freaked Gaspard out.

See, the two of them were both wearing a dress. Haseo looked disgruntled, Endrance looked pleased, and...

If this was the way weddings were, Gaspard would stay a bachelor forever.

Just as Endrance and Kuhn leaned forward to kiss their respective partners, the doors to the cathedral slammed open. Immediately, everyone turned around. Gaspard gasped when he saw Atoli and Saku storming down the aisle, with Ovan (?!) following behind.

"I object!" Atoli yelled, stamping her foot down.

"Me too!" Saku exclaimed, scowling heavily at Haseo. "As if Master En would really want to marry someone like Ha-se-o!" she sneered. Atoli gasped, spinning to glare at Saku.

"As if Haseo would honestly want to marry that pedophile!" she screeched.

"Pedophile?! Master En is... It's not like that!" Saku whined. "Haseo's over the age of consent anyway!"

"Oh, he isn't, huh? Then what-" and the two girls began to squabble.

"Haseo," Ovan said, drawing the attention to himself. Haseo rose an eyebrow, blushing despite himself. Ugh, having Shino seeing him in this dress was bad enough, but having Ovan?! "I thought that you were getting stronger for me."

And what little of Haseo's mind was still intact shattered into thousands of tiny, irreparable pieces.

"I'm sorry about this!" from the second row came Haseo's savior. Shino stood up, walking into the aisle and taking Ovan's hand. "AIDA still affects his brain." Bowing quickly, she smiled back up at Haseo. "I'll talk to you later. Congratulations, everyone."

And with that, she and Ovan warped out. Not wanting to delay the inevitable anymore, Endrance leaned forward and kissed Haseo briefly, while Kuhn kissed Silabus... not so briefly.

Pi began to weep, muttering about how "her boy was all grown up now..", while Alkaid and Matsu gagged playfully, Antares chortling beside them. The cat-girl behind Gaspard seemed to be explaining something to the two boys. Atoli and Saku continued bickering, and a few seconds later Kuhn and Silabus warped out, already going on their "honeymoon." Endrance and Haseo followed soon after.

And during all of this, not one person questioned if it would be alright to have someone as innocent and pure as Gaspard attend this wedding. He was young, and there was still hope in his eyes.

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**Notes:** Behold, my bastard child of 2oo7. Written as a present to everyone for New Year's. :D 

You know, I've never actually read a wedding fic? I hope it turned out okay...

About the age of consent thing - I heard (read? was told?) that the age of consent in Japan is sixteen. So we'll roll with that.

About the last sentence - It's something sophomores, juniors, and seniors say about freshmen at my school. You can tell who a freshman is "because s/he still has hope in his/her eyes!"

xD;; I tried. I hope you all liked it! 3

(Hey, hey, did you know 2oo8 is Year of the Rat? The zodiac is starting over again..!)


End file.
